May 2023

Lincoln Memorial Cemetery in Dallas, Texas

I'm here

where it all ended

here, where you took your final rest

This place - this place

where I've never before been

This place, I've finally discovered

Out of the car we quickly come

Quickly, we go in the given direction

but, I just see grass, green grass

Green grass and trees

No headstones, No markers

No nothing

Left, right, up and down and back again

Walking, feeling, knowing

You are here

Ancestry told me so.

Here,  I have come

Come to see

Come to say 

Give my respects...my respects??

Pay my respects

But where? Here? There?

No markers, no signs 

no way of knowing.

With more directions,

I go to the road lined with trees

I stood there looking

Looking for you

Softly saying your name:

Mommy, Mommy where are you?

Mommy, it;s me, Tootie

Mommy, I'm here!

I know you are here.

I feel your presence

I feel your closeness

I asked again

The worker comes with a long rod

Inserts the rod into the ground,

Here, Here is where she is

Took a step to the left and pushed the rod into the ground

Her grandmother is here

Her grandmother, my great grandmother?

What a day, What a find.

71 years later, here on the side of a road

I've found you.

I've found me.

I'm okay today

I'm okay today
Now that I know what to say
I'm okay today
I saw the sun send out her bright rays
They lifted my spirits way up today
 So, I'm okay- today
I know I'm going to find my way
I can't say when but that's okay
 And based on where I've been
it's okay to say
I'm  okay today
I'm going to be okay
Thank you Jesus
Because of YOU I'm
going to be Oh-Kay!

Men!

Sometimes I don't understand men. I don't understand these  nose in the air, arrogant, self-centered "boys". Just because things don't go your way on your time-table, you get all bent out of shape. I am human. I do get sick sometimes. I do have other things to do in life. Simple things like bathe, cook, and cleaning must be done. I have my writing that I must attend to. I, too, have as few years in front of me as you do. So, I just can't always be available to do your bidding at your time. I have a life and while I want to assist you in your creative ventures, I cannot or will not drop everything because you call. Those are your ventures. I have my own. And the two don't mesh or fit in any kind of way. When I need your assistance or advice, I wait until you have a free moment. I don't get an attitude. I don't  just hold the phone when you hear my voice say, "Hello". After over forty years, I still don't know you. Do you know you? Do you know why we are at odds? Call me and let me know, because I haven't a clue.

A Blue Note

Today, I had to face the inevitable and a long avoided truth. Today,  I had to go to a doctor, Dr. Lee, who would tell me the next step I must take. His words would tell me whether I am on the road to success or if I must regroup and start again. Today I found out that I have allergies. Lots of them.  I wasn't surprised and I wasn't shocked.I knew I was allergic to asprin and shellfish. So, I thought I was going to add soy to the list.  The nurse blotted both of my arms with dots with each little prick of small needles filled with stuff. She traveled up and down each arm with her prickers. She then took her ballpoint and wrote codes on my arm. For fifteen minutes, I was to sit still and not scratch the spots.  I was dumbfounded when I saw those dots on my arm turn red and rise. They instantly began to itch. Itches I couldn't scractch.  On one arm, I think every one was visible. I knew that wasn't good. I felt like the doctor had become my judge. My sentence would  be read in fifteen minutes I was left alone to ponder my future. Slowly the clock ticked down and they returned. He felt each one and indicated what the evaluation number was. Then he turned to me and announced well, you must stary away from soy, corn,shellfish, rice, apples and oats. Okay, I said?? Do you know what that means??? That means no popcorn, oatmeal, grits, corn on the cob, apple pie... and the worst my Medifast diet is dead. This is my third month. Practically everything has soy in it. What am I going to do??? I had lost 20 pounds and I really wanted to lose 20-30 more. This is really a blue note. My sister says that God does for us what we can't do for ourselves. Well, maybe I won't need Medifast because a lot of things have been cut out of my diet for good. Well, at least I can have peanuts.Ugh!! 

Bankrupt Men (Still in progress)

Bankrupt men with bankrupt lives

Empty, void,

Without any of their past assurance

Not a dearth of abundance

No wealth of passion

Banal

Dreary

Mediocre

They come

Pockets empty

Sieved out thoughts

Torn and battered

Crumpled and worn

Bankrupt men with bankrupt lives

apply

For modification

Refinance

conversion

Such a poor selection 

Denied a place in the bank’s collection

Bankrupt men with bankrupt lives

Make applications

File papers of declaration

For a woman’s love

Gift  of cheer

They come

Glee-less, joy-less

Seeking a Subsidy

Shaking and trembling in expectation

Fear

Bankrupt  men with

Bankrupt lives

Make

Bad investments

Totally

denied

Doing Time

Doing time

Checking each day off

One by one

Doing time

Sitting and waiting

Hopping on a train

Hopping off a train

Even if it goes only a mile

 One day I‘ll say

 I rode the train of life

One day I will.

The Season for all seasons will come

Till then, I’ll just be satisfied

Real satisfied

Doing time

Just doing time

Sitting and waiting

Checking off each day

Won’t take no chance or make some big mistake

This time I’ll be careful

Real careful

Molding my dreams,

Massaging them through

Meanwhile, I’ll sit and wait

Till my time comes due.

OK, This is Okay!?!

Mondays can sometimes be not so okay, but today is okay. I guess.  In fact, I think it is more than okay. Got on those menacing scales this morning and FINALLY there is a drop. I didn't think the scale was ever going to move. I thought the scale was broken. I was tempted to buy another scale. Anyway, it's working. It moved.  I lost 4 more pounds. This brings it to 15 since March 1st. I hit a plateau around March 18th and today, Thank you Lord, I have emerged. No celebration, just a sigh of relief. When I hit 25 pounds lost, I am going to do an "in the meantime" dance. I hope it is by the end of May.
Went to see the dietician today. She has scheduled me for classes beginning April 19th. Of course I had to cancel my class reunion luncheon on the 21st, but my health is more important. I want to live. I want to travel and not feel embarrassed about anything.More about that in another entry.
Lastly, he called. He, being J. who is being mighty persistent. What am I going to do? What about Ron and then there's Tex, too? I am too old to "be having all this" stuff going on. Where were they when I was younger and  ready????  I guess I should say I love it, but these guys are all what I call "bankrupt men with bankrupt lives."  Diabetes, bad hearts, can't see, financially challenged...what should I do??